so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
