anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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