Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
