No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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