Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
