this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
whose parrot is this?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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