Rock
Scissors
Fuck
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
