Jerry, you need to find god
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
