I wish I could teleport
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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