listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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