I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i will never coherently bang her
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
