so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We are all done wearing pants today
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
