The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
