I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
