I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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