I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You are a genius and a whore.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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