We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
