My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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