nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
