I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
