its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
