just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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