I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
