I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
