Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
