Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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