Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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