This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
