Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
