tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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