I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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