no, he came in my armpit
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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