i was born a porn star she said
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
