Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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