I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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