Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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