and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
please come you make the beer taste better
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
