We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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