found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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