I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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