It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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