I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
