I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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