Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize
