And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
