I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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