it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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