I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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