Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
