honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
