so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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