Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
