He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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