I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
