I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
