I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
