There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
