How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
