Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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