So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
