Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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