Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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