the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
