He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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