Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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